One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
