He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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