He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
