high people should be assigned attendants
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
