just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
You are a booty call, not a friend.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
