I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
