I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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