I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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