the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
