I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
