Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Randomize
