You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize