Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
