Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
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