My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
