We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
