I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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