you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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