dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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