you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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