True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
