Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
