If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
The uberlube is also flammable
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
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