Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
