The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I am available for nakedness
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
