i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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