Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
