Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
