my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
