Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize