I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
