Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
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