I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I smell like Dick and happiness
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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