Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I will be naked everywhere
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Randomize
