I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
