the condom got lost in my hair
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
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