So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
