i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Randomize