I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
