Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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