you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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