they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
