Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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