Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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