we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
