I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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