2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize