One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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