Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
