u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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