I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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