there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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