I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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