God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i used baking grease as lip gloss
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
