Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
