I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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