just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
PANTIES FOUND
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