yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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