Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
