i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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