Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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