I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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